Your lot in life makes you feel as though you have nothing, can expect nothing in the future, and must endure more pain in the present. Your only solution is to strike out sideways and make the pain go away. You have had this problem for a long time. You do not believe you can be anything else. You blame it on your present circumstances, but, in reality, it's been for a much longer time than that, and you are unwilling to confront that there may be something within you that can be changed and healed, because that sounds terrifying, and difficult, and impossible. You are not, at heart, a bad person, but your selfish idiocy has hurt many and will continue to hurt many because the pain outside of your skin is simply not as real to you as the pain within.