chaotica | session 13 . video

session 13 . video

[ Here is Cambridge, seated at his desk, if the word 'seated' includes sprawled with feet up and uniform jacket open, revealing blue turtleneck underneath. He looks very comfortable. He may also have a glass of Scotch. ]

I'd like to conduct a survey. Call it personal patient satisfaction, if you think it's annoying.

Ready?

Now: Pick three adjectives to describe me. Support your choices with evidence and/or reasoning.

Thank you very much.

[ Cheers. He takes an apparently very satisfying sip of Scotch, letting out a little ah after. ]

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[ Oh, that's nice. He closes his eyes, props his chin. ]

And that's why it makes it easier to connect to so many. Lots of little connections feel freer, easier, more believable than fewer, heavier ones.

[This startles her enough that her hands briefly stop moving, though she doesn't speak until she's started again. Her rhythm is thoughtful, controlled.]

Safer. The word you want is safer.

How long have you been alive, Iris? How many times have you had to say goodbye to someone you love?

I sort of lost count after the first millennium, Dr. Cambridge. My timeline's ...become very complicated and not all my memories are quite where they should be. Or what they should be. Or necessarily in that order.

A lot.

And you'll have to do it again.

And again and again and again, Dr Cambridge. Till the multiverse wears out or till I do, whichever 'appens first.

[She says this with a kind of sturdy pride, and her hands on him move with more confidence. He is also one of those people, or will be; there's no real difference in Iris' view between potential and actual.]

I'm not saying it's easy, but trying to avoid it'll break you far worse and far deeper. 'Sides, people are worth it. But you're the last person I need to tell that to, aren't you, sweetheart?

More worth it than what you're giving them, in my ever-so-humble opinion.

[Her first impulse is to shout at him, immediately on the defensive; her hands become still on his neck as though Iris is carefully counting all the ways she could incapacitate him without getting out of breath.

She is doing exactly that, but she's doing it as a calming technique: she visualises all the nerve clusters and the balance points where one can break a bone with its own physics, and then she moves again, exquisitely gentle.]

Which is exactly the problem I've come to you with, Dr Cambridge. It's an 'abit I know I need to break, at least with them two. I were 'oping you might 'ave some suggestions.

[Her voice is sweet and light, and has razor blades in it.]

[ He communicates through more than just the little chuckle; his mind, ordinarily well-controlled, easily gives up a swirl of genuine affection. He likes her. The ease of it implies that perhaps he's been very close with a telepath before. ]

You just said you know you need to break it. Does that mean you really want to? [ The question is more serious.

He suspects the answer is mixed, yes and no. ]

[Iris runs her thumb down the line of his spine, ticklish and delighted.]

I really want to not 'urt people I love that way again. It's a dirty sort of 'abit, throwing meself on grenades for kicks. It does feel good. It does what I need it to. I just... I really don't want to make Cain and Babs feel that way again.

[In other words, a mixed yes and no.]

Tell me the benefits of continuing on as you are.

[ He has a fair idea of what he's facing, but he wants her to bring it out between them. ]

Good grief.

[That question takes her aback, and she spends some moments considering it while she works the muscles either side of Cambridge's spine, the nerve clusters around his hipbones.]

...that's a trick question, really. It's not about benefit. I'm not thinking longterm when I pull a stunt like that, I'm not trying to do the right thing. It's like gnawing your leg off to get out of a trap; it sorts the immediate problem out in a big rush of pain and adrenaline and blood.

[And then she snorts softly in rather humourless laughter.]

'Course, you still 'ave a limb missing after, but that's a different problem. They do say a change is as good as a rest.

Edited 2015-02-19 13:28 (UTC)

I know you don't think ahead. That's why I'm asking you to. Give me a realistic assessment, Iris - nngh.

I don't think there are any. Not long term. It's different off the boat; there's no death toll, and regeneration's not infinite. I'm a lot more careful outside. More precise about walking that line. Living 'ere, knowing I can fall off the line and it just gets me a week's 'eadache - well.

And I can't keep it up, I can't. I thought for sure Cain were going to tell me to get stuffed and I wouldn't've blamed 'im. I need to remember this - months or years down the line, next time all the little horrors build up enough to that point. I need to remember about them consequences, Dr Cambridge, and I've got zero practise living that way.

But short term, there are. Not thinking about the feelings others have means freedom for you, in the short term - it means there is nothing to frighten you, nothing that can hurt you to your core. You need to voice and understand these things in order to decide between them and the long-term benefit.

There really are. Cain and me already went over 'ow that sort of thing doesn't 'elp, Horatio already 'ad a go at me and all, but it did. I feel like I got springcleaned. Like I settled a sort of karmic debt.

It's not worth losing 'im for, though. Him or Babs. It's not worth hurting 'em.

[ A moment of silence, as he chews this over. ]

Iris, does a part of you worry that they diminish you? Or, rather, that you must diminish yourself to be with them?

No! I...

[Her hands tighten and still their motion, as Iris catches herself. She still wants to say no, but she's very aware that there is a lot more of her than there is of any human. Any two humans.]

I don't think so. Babs especially; I want to sit at 'er feet. I generally feel like she's too good for me. Like I'm graced that she even noticed me. And Cain - I've never been with anyone I fitted so well, anyone that understood me as much as 'e does.

You know what, though? That's exactly what most timelords'd say. That you can't 'ave a really equal relationship with someone that only 'as one life. That only lives in three dimensions with five senses. That there's no way to bridge that gap and I'm lowering meself for trying.

I don't think I believe that, Dr Cambridge. It's possible bits of me believe it without telling me, mind you.

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session 13 . video

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